Friday, March 20, 2009
As I type this sentence, it is currently 3:40am. By now, I have already finished replying to comments and wall-posts on facebook and Myspace, read a couple random blogs, looked at stuff that strikes my fancy, and looked shoes and clothing online. I noticed that this hour is the time that I start really reflecting on things. It's a weird thing.
But I digress.
Today (or yesterday March 19th) was my Grandpa's birthday and we took him out to eat. My mom, dad, brother, grandma , aunt and uncle came with us and we sat a long table in a Chinese restaurant. It was a nice quiet dinner. My aunt and uncle are usually very loud and very obnoxious and cheeky. But today they weren't so bad. My brother and I sat on the farther end of the table because we like our elbow room and we really didn't want to get hit in the cross-fire when the weird questions started. My aunt kept asking me if I lost weight and if my hair was always the color that it currently is. I think I answered her about three times.
Well anyways, I sat there staring at every one conversing. I like to do that. I like to stare at people and watch their faces and their mannerisms. My mom likes to smile like she cares, but she doesn't. My aunt flares her nostrils when she says certain vowels. And my grandpa smiles to the right side of his face when he talks.
My grandma started talking and she made us all laugh with her off topic banter. She's so cute.
I started to think about how things will be in the future. I am soon turning 21 and it made me think about how things are now. I sit there staring at my grandparents and thought of how they looked and acted five years ago when I used to visit them in San Jose. And now there they are, before my eyes, my grandpa, once a hardworking carpenter who built a living room with forks and a hammer now sits there, frail with a hearing aid. And my grandma, once a strong gardener with a good memory turned into a forgetful bystander.
It really made me think of how it would be if one of them were to pass away. I mean I know I shouldn't think of such things, but I can't help but think about it. Things are slowly changing and as I sit there looking at my grandparents, watching them laugh and mingle with my parents, I start to think of how things will be in my future as well.
Sometimes I feel very confused about who I am today. There are so many things I want to do, so many things I don't want to do, but then I do want to do them just to do something different.
Identity crisis maybe?
Sometimes I think that I have morphed a lot of my attitude to the way it is to get cover up my insecurities. But that's a whole other topic. I don't know where I am going with this really.
I also started thinking about this very day last year, I was thinking of the same thing and it makes me wonder, will we really ever be completely happy? Or will we just keep working toward some future goal, only to roll over into another one. I really wonder if people really reach a time in their life where they are just set, or do we just keep moving on and on and on. We always seem to be working toward a goal that makes us seem like the present sucks or something.
This kind of thing makes me think about how I am now, how I was back then and if I will be someone better in the next year or so. I feel like I haven't changed very much. And I know I will feel the same this very day next year too. Maybe I should stop doing the whole introspective crap and start focusing on more important things. But it gets you thinking when people know themselves well, and you know others well. But when asked to describe yourself, and you really can't, it makes you feel a little lost in where you fit into the world.
What ever it is, it is making me stay up longer than I should. I guess thinking hour is done. And sleeping hour has started.
I've been taking benadryl. It has been saving my life and putting me to sleep like a rock for the whole day.
I'm going to give in and get the allergy meds. It's only untl the beginning of june.
But I digress.
Today (or yesterday March 19th) was my Grandpa's birthday and we took him out to eat. My mom, dad, brother, grandma , aunt and uncle came with us and we sat a long table in a Chinese restaurant. It was a nice quiet dinner. My aunt and uncle are usually very loud and very obnoxious and cheeky. But today they weren't so bad. My brother and I sat on the farther end of the table because we like our elbow room and we really didn't want to get hit in the cross-fire when the weird questions started. My aunt kept asking me if I lost weight and if my hair was always the color that it currently is. I think I answered her about three times.
Well anyways, I sat there staring at every one conversing. I like to do that. I like to stare at people and watch their faces and their mannerisms. My mom likes to smile like she cares, but she doesn't. My aunt flares her nostrils when she says certain vowels. And my grandpa smiles to the right side of his face when he talks.
My grandma started talking and she made us all laugh with her off topic banter. She's so cute.
I started to think about how things will be in the future. I am soon turning 21 and it made me think about how things are now. I sit there staring at my grandparents and thought of how they looked and acted five years ago when I used to visit them in San Jose. And now there they are, before my eyes, my grandpa, once a hardworking carpenter who built a living room with forks and a hammer now sits there, frail with a hearing aid. And my grandma, once a strong gardener with a good memory turned into a forgetful bystander.
It really made me think of how it would be if one of them were to pass away. I mean I know I shouldn't think of such things, but I can't help but think about it. Things are slowly changing and as I sit there looking at my grandparents, watching them laugh and mingle with my parents, I start to think of how things will be in my future as well.
Sometimes I feel very confused about who I am today. There are so many things I want to do, so many things I don't want to do, but then I do want to do them just to do something different.
Identity crisis maybe?
Sometimes I think that I have morphed a lot of my attitude to the way it is to get cover up my insecurities. But that's a whole other topic. I don't know where I am going with this really.
I also started thinking about this very day last year, I was thinking of the same thing and it makes me wonder, will we really ever be completely happy? Or will we just keep working toward some future goal, only to roll over into another one. I really wonder if people really reach a time in their life where they are just set, or do we just keep moving on and on and on. We always seem to be working toward a goal that makes us seem like the present sucks or something.
This kind of thing makes me think about how I am now, how I was back then and if I will be someone better in the next year or so. I feel like I haven't changed very much. And I know I will feel the same this very day next year too. Maybe I should stop doing the whole introspective crap and start focusing on more important things. But it gets you thinking when people know themselves well, and you know others well. But when asked to describe yourself, and you really can't, it makes you feel a little lost in where you fit into the world.
What ever it is, it is making me stay up longer than I should. I guess thinking hour is done. And sleeping hour has started.
I've been taking benadryl. It has been saving my life and putting me to sleep like a rock for the whole day.
I'm going to give in and get the allergy meds. It's only untl the beginning of june.
How deep. Defining ourselves is probably one of the hardest things anyone will ever have to do in their lives. Some theorists argue that only a small percentage of people truly self-actualize.
But we grow and we improve. We live and love. Enjoy today and welcome tomorrow, that's what I try to do. But introspection is good, figure out ourselves and what we want.
Hehehe, and I hope your allergies clear up. ;)