Friday, November 6, 2009
I went out to club Club One Casino tonight with Channa and her Boyfriend Mike. He had too much to drink and he started acting crazy. He almost got kicked out, he started getting hostile and he started treating Channa like shit. It got so bad that we just left him there with no ride back. He was being a complete jerk and when we tried to get him to come home, some random man told Mike to not listen to that "bitch" and tell her to calm down.
We left him and Channa just cried the whole night. We were at her apartment and I just listened to her. She threw a portrait of her and Mike at a wall and shattered it and she went a little crazy. I just stood there. I didn't know what to do. This has happened so many times that I don't know what to say. All I can say is that I've witnessed it and if Mike tries to discuss what happened, I'm not going to give him the time and day. He was such a jerk. I was so embarassed when one of the (cute) security guards came up to me and asked if he was with me.
Well anyways, a lot of thoughts went through my head while I sat there watching Channa bawl her eyes out and ask the wall (me) what she did wrong.
One thought was if I ever find anyone, would I ever cry over them like this? Sometimes i wonder if I'll even express how I feel. I've noticed that when it comes down to it, I'm afraid to get this way. And that's why apart of me does not want to and makes it difficult for me to get attached to any one person.
Another thought is, if I were ever to get this way, would I have someone who would care for me being sad as much as I care about them? As bad as it sounds, I think I push people away and withdraw when I'm really Mad. And I really feel like people won't return moral support when I need it. A lot of the time I feel that way already. A lot of the time I just talk to myself to make myself better. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. But I really don't expect anyone else to understand or know my problems like Channa allows other people to.
And lastly, am I a bad friend for just sitting there and letting her cry? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. This happens so much that I'm almost annoyed that our plans of having a good time ended up like this. I wonder if it's terrible to think of off topic things such as what i feel like eating, and how far up my butt my wedgie is or how much sleep I'm going to get all while she's crying her heart out to me? Sometimes I wonder how it is with other people. I wonder how the conversation goes with Troy and her when this happens. I have no idea what to say because like I keep saying, this happens all the time, I already know how she's going to react when you say things like " why are you with him?" and you can't just ask about it and talk abou it again because that will make them angrier.
There are a lot of factors and I just don't understand these things at all.
We left him and Channa just cried the whole night. We were at her apartment and I just listened to her. She threw a portrait of her and Mike at a wall and shattered it and she went a little crazy. I just stood there. I didn't know what to do. This has happened so many times that I don't know what to say. All I can say is that I've witnessed it and if Mike tries to discuss what happened, I'm not going to give him the time and day. He was such a jerk. I was so embarassed when one of the (cute) security guards came up to me and asked if he was with me.
Well anyways, a lot of thoughts went through my head while I sat there watching Channa bawl her eyes out and ask the wall (me) what she did wrong.
One thought was if I ever find anyone, would I ever cry over them like this? Sometimes i wonder if I'll even express how I feel. I've noticed that when it comes down to it, I'm afraid to get this way. And that's why apart of me does not want to and makes it difficult for me to get attached to any one person.
Another thought is, if I were ever to get this way, would I have someone who would care for me being sad as much as I care about them? As bad as it sounds, I think I push people away and withdraw when I'm really Mad. And I really feel like people won't return moral support when I need it. A lot of the time I feel that way already. A lot of the time I just talk to myself to make myself better. I don't know if it's a good thing or not. But I really don't expect anyone else to understand or know my problems like Channa allows other people to.
And lastly, am I a bad friend for just sitting there and letting her cry? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. This happens so much that I'm almost annoyed that our plans of having a good time ended up like this. I wonder if it's terrible to think of off topic things such as what i feel like eating, and how far up my butt my wedgie is or how much sleep I'm going to get all while she's crying her heart out to me? Sometimes I wonder how it is with other people. I wonder how the conversation goes with Troy and her when this happens. I have no idea what to say because like I keep saying, this happens all the time, I already know how she's going to react when you say things like " why are you with him?" and you can't just ask about it and talk abou it again because that will make them angrier.
There are a lot of factors and I just don't understand these things at all.
That's kind of how I feel too. I usually prefer to withdraw and fight my own battles. But I'm sure you open up here and there (like in this blog for instance ^.^). I think it's about finding a balance and the right person(s).
Isn't it horribly awkward when people cry in front of you? I certainly don't know what to do. And I've certainly have misses in this regard. Once I thought food would be the answer. Another time, hugs. But the most successful time was when I just sat and listened and tried to communicate genuine care and agreement with their feelings.
But as you probably know, people are unpredictable. All you can do is try your best and be the awesomeness that is you.
-SG