Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Dammit, I just had to break up before Christmas! HAH oh, the irony.
I guess, it's hitting me a little now. And I must say, denial works in weird ways because I stand around believing I'm okay when I'm really not. I guess that's what happens when you do it before work or something, you put it off and it starts to build up a little bit, and then it hits you harder than you expect.
I guess this denial is a defense mechanism. No, it really is. I have this habit of making jokes, pretending things are okay, making it seem like I'm not affected when really, that's all the plays in my mind. I notice I start talking about off the walls stuff more than usual just so they won't ask me anything when I get an awkward silent moment.
Another crazy thing was how we broke up almost right before I had work. I was driving home and I didn't know how to feel. When I got home, I tried to get it out of my mind. I saw my mom cooking something and I asked her if she needed help so I started chopping up the onions and the garlic and looked at the time and panicked because It was time for me to leave and I wasn't ready yet. I fixed my hair and looked in the mirror, I was a mess!
I forgot about the whole ordeal until I got off work and I was about to call Evan but I suddenly realized that I couldn't call him. It would give him the idea that I want to talk to him some more, and that we weren't really done for.
So I went home, and I told myself, I'll be fine. It'll be the same except I have more time for myself now.
And since then, I've been kinda just telling everyone, "oh I'm fine. Everything is good, don't worry."
I guess, I'm just not accustomed to telling people how I feel. I really should more often.
I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I guess I'm afraid of attention. That kind of attention. I'm afraid of people seeing me this way.
Yeah, I'm such a guy. Afraid to emote. Afraid to show his feelings. It shouldn't be that way though.
Even if we weren't together for too long, it hits me hard a little. This is the first time I've been actually on the serious side with some one. It wasn't one of those open ended "I'm with you because you're hot" things. We actually liked each other. Or I liked him at least. But I learned a little. And I lived a little. I'm glad it happened.
I guess, it's hitting me a little now. And I must say, denial works in weird ways because I stand around believing I'm okay when I'm really not. I guess that's what happens when you do it before work or something, you put it off and it starts to build up a little bit, and then it hits you harder than you expect.
I guess this denial is a defense mechanism. No, it really is. I have this habit of making jokes, pretending things are okay, making it seem like I'm not affected when really, that's all the plays in my mind. I notice I start talking about off the walls stuff more than usual just so they won't ask me anything when I get an awkward silent moment.
Another crazy thing was how we broke up almost right before I had work. I was driving home and I didn't know how to feel. When I got home, I tried to get it out of my mind. I saw my mom cooking something and I asked her if she needed help so I started chopping up the onions and the garlic and looked at the time and panicked because It was time for me to leave and I wasn't ready yet. I fixed my hair and looked in the mirror, I was a mess!
I forgot about the whole ordeal until I got off work and I was about to call Evan but I suddenly realized that I couldn't call him. It would give him the idea that I want to talk to him some more, and that we weren't really done for.
So I went home, and I told myself, I'll be fine. It'll be the same except I have more time for myself now.
And since then, I've been kinda just telling everyone, "oh I'm fine. Everything is good, don't worry."
I guess, I'm just not accustomed to telling people how I feel. I really should more often.
I don't know what I'm so afraid of. I guess I'm afraid of attention. That kind of attention. I'm afraid of people seeing me this way.
Yeah, I'm such a guy. Afraid to emote. Afraid to show his feelings. It shouldn't be that way though.
Even if we weren't together for too long, it hits me hard a little. This is the first time I've been actually on the serious side with some one. It wasn't one of those open ended "I'm with you because you're hot" things. We actually liked each other. Or I liked him at least. But I learned a little. And I lived a little. I'm glad it happened.
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