I Think I Went A Little Bit Crazy,

I think too much. Sometimes 30 minutes for me can feel like two hours based on all the thoughts that go through my head. It's obvious that I talk to myself a lot, and personally, not having someone there to talk to is really taking a toll on me.

This break up has really messed me up inside and out and I really don't know what to feel anymore. And I hate how it lingers on inside my head maybe every other thought. Sometimes I feel like giving in to him and just taking him back. Some times I feel silly when he sends me these little messages asking me if I'm okay or not. Asking me if I really hate him and if I'm still mad at him. No, I don't hate you. No, I'm not mad at you. So why am I avoiding you? Why don't I want to be with you any more?

Just when I was becoming strong again, getting you out of my head; you just had to mess me up all over again. Is this a sick game you're playing with me? I'm the one who has the reasons to leave you, and yet you come back to me and basically tell me that I was overreacting and rub it in my face that it's no big deal. And the hardest part is to know that you'll still take me back. It sickens me and makes me feel good at the same time. I'm torn. I want to be the one you care for. Forgive me for being selfish but I don't want to share you with someone. Especially when they try to out do me all the time..

So, will it make you feel better about yourself that I often think of you? Will it make you feel better that I mention you to friends how tall you are and how much I had fun with you? Will it make you feel better knowing that I loved our conversations, and the little things we laughed at? Will it make you feel better knowing that yes, I do have feelings for you? Will you leave me alone and just let me be?

These are the thoughts that roll through my head a lot.

I don't want to feel this way any more. We were only seeing each other for fucking 3 months, but it felt like so many things happened. Though we scrounged up time to see each other, the struggle was romantic. Fuck this.
I make myself sick.