I Think I Went A Little Bit Crazy,

I think it might be my habit of not expressing myself efficiently when I’m feeling a little bit down, but I can say that it feels weird to know that a recent ex had just died this morning..

It feels very surreal to me. I’ve spoken to him not too long ago, maybe two weeks ago. I guess it just makes me feel weird that the last words we exchanged weren’t very good words at all.

Maybe I’m going about this all wrong. I’m trying to tell myself I’m feeling okay, But really I don’t think I am. I found this out while I was on break at work. I didn’t know how to feel. I went back down to work and dealt blackjack as usual. Talking to customers like nothing happened while in the back of my mind, this was sort of bugging me.

I went home and I was really tired. I couldn’t really believe what was happening. I told a couple people what had happened and they asked me if I was okay and I told them all that I didn’t know how to feel and that I was just tired and I needed to sleep.

When I woke up, I looked through my phone and remembered what had happened and I suddenly felt this weird rush in me.

Still, I didn’t know how to feel. I think I’m feeling a little sad. When I think about how I can no longer talk to him it makes me feel really sad.

Sure, we were finished. We weren’t together any more but we weren’t really finished. Even if I was over him, we still had a connection.

And when you lose someone like this, it makes you think of all the times you just want to tell them “I’m sorry”.

I’m sorry that I yelled at you.

I’m sorry that I forgot to do numerous important favors for you when you asked me real nicely.

I’m sorry that I dropped your expensive phone and didn’t apologize.

I’m sorry you had to put up with me.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I never listened when you said that you wanted to make things work out.

I’m sorry that you were so patient with me.

I’m just so sorry.

So as I go to make a food run for my parents, I drive emotionless. It’s like nothing happened. They don’t know what’s going on with me. No one really does. I’m so bottled up with this.

But then I hear Third Eye Blind’s Bonfire, it just made my eyes water a little.

I’m really not okay. I’m really sad. I miss you now. I want to tell you something nice. Can’t you come back and let me tell you something nice before you leave?

Of course, it doesn’t work out that way. And I’m going to admit finally that I feel terrible.

But I’ll get over this. He’s dead. I can’t do anything about it now.

I think I’ll need to cry this out a bit though. Which I never thought I’d do over a person.

Rest in Peace Evan Daniels.

Goodbye to you.

You’ve changed my life in so many ways.

You’ll always have a place in my heart.