Friday, November 13, 2009
There are times where talks between family and friends heat up. Whether it be religion or what ever, some times It just gets really mean.
Well today, (or should I say yesterday, I just got off work) the universe decided to unleash something on me and decided to make my family and coworkers gang up on me with the whole relationship issue. I don't know how the whole conversation came about, but it sure left me feeling quite harassed and made me think of a lot of things. It bothered me a little. Got to my insecurities for a spell.
Well this is how it started with my parents:
Some family friend from San Diego added my Dad on Facebook (yes he has an account) and then the son of the friend added him too. Well my Dad went on digging into his pictures and found that he had a lot of girl friends that were all over him in his pictures, and his wall comments are all these hoochie looking girls calling him "boo". My dad started commenting how he's got it going on and then some how it got out that my brother has a girlfriend. And then the conversation went to me asking me why I haven't had a girlfriend yet. And then he started criticizing how I'm not manly enough and that I don't have what it takes and what not which made me all kinds of mad. My mom just had to put her two cents in and start asking if Leah was my girlfriend which made me all more upset. My parents kind of have a hint on my liking for men. I keep things really ambiguous around the house and they really don't know what to think. They've never seen me gawk at anyone. They've never heard me say things about girls or guys alike and back then they got really upset because they assumed that this really close guy friend was my boyfriend. So they really don't know. I act really evasive on the issue too just because I hate the kind of questions they ask when they get even a hint of what is going on in my life.
And then at work, We started talking about age and crap. It so happens, everyone thought I was like 26. You have to understand that at work, I'm not the same person. I speak clearly with everyone, I'm concise and I am very choosy with my words. I don't blurt out anything like I usually do and I don't laugh at the jokes that they find funny, because well, they aren't funny to me at all.
So when I finally told them how I old I really was they were in shock. They couldn't believe that a 21 year old could speak so maturely and can actually perform professionally at work. Their words, not mine.
They asked if I have a girlfriend, and I said no. Then they nudged me and whispered, "how about a boyfriend" and when I said no, they said they knew someone and that made me feel a little upset. I don't know why. But I felt a little offended even if their intentions weren't to offend me. I always get a little offended when some random person is like " oh, are you gay? Do you have a boyfriend? I know someone!".
So with that being said, they asked why I don't have a significant other. As much as I kept telling them that I am not looking to be in a relationship, they started telling me how I need it to be like this and that. And all that was going through my mind was fuck, shut up.
I really don't like it when people tell me how I am supposed to be. And that I can't achieve certain things because of how the way I am. I've been through that too much growing up with my family and that's where a lot of my insecurities come from. I've been compared to someone all my life. But now, I really feeling like I have something to show for. Honestly, I'm really very proud of myself and where I am today. I have a few best friends that I picked out on my own judgment who like me just the way I am and all I had to do is be myself around them.
I mean, I'm grateful to my parents, although, I'd like to say that I got through all of this all on my own. Never once did I really tell my parents how I felt about this and that, they had to find my journals, my blogs, anything to know what is going on in my life and how I felt. But that just led to more troubles and comparisons.
There was one time where my parents sort of asked if I was homosexual. I told them no.
I don't know if I should have said yes or not. It's still kind of a secret. Well not really, like I said before, it's an ambiguous issue between me and them.
I am not exactly in the closet. Because I admit I like men to anyone who asks. But to be honest, up until recently I wasn't too sure, and I honestly just let what ever happen, just happen. And I was just letting it happen without concern with a label or not. I honestly don't even like the word "gay" or even being called that. I hate the stigma that comes with it. All the bad jokes, all the stereotypes, opinions, the bitchiness in it, all the bad things that come with the word are more of a burden to me and to be called "gay" some times.
When people say "gay", people start to fidget and do weird things and all hell of dumb stuff breaks loose.
There are reasons why I don't tell anyone my interest in any sex at all. Once the ice is broken, people start talking about guys, they start mentioning how cute that guy over there is and start obsessing. And then they start telling me their boyfriend stories and their sex stories and how they think this guy is soooo hot and they don't even notice them. And I hate hate hate it so much when they ask me what my opinion is on a guy that they like and expect me to remember their name for future reference.
Really now, what happened to our conversations about music, art and leisure? What happened to you? Where did your intellect go? All because you find out that I'm "gay".
They start to act like I don't give a fuck and that I'm raunchy, they can start saying things Like "pussy" and "cunt" and "cock" no. I am still civil.
I am not what you think I am.
I don't want to dress in drag.
I don't enjoy looking at guys all the damn time.
I'm not a horny fuck you think I am.
Men are NOT my life.
I am not a "bitch" and you cannot call me a "bitch".
You can't speak to me like you speak to your other "gay" friend, if I don't know you, you can't degrade me like that.
I am not obsessed with any pop princesses.
I do not say Fabulous and think things are fabulous.
And please don't introduce me to a "gay" friend of yours. I couldn't give a flying fuck.
Some times I'd rather not pull out the "gay" word. Why can't we just leave it to where I can say that I like guys? Plain and simple.
I would like to be treated how I treat other people. As offensive as racial stereotypes can be, it gets humorous because it's generally true, and people do it in plain sight. Accents, mannerisms, the way they think, it's all fun and games because the do it in public.
But sexuality stereotypes? It's not funny when someone jokes around and says " oh you like it up the butt" or "you'll like it because it goes up your butt". It really makes me mad.
Man this topic gets me mad. I feel like I can go on and on about this.
The whole concept of being gay ( I want to word it as homosexual) sexuality wise is great to me. I find nothing wrong with women liking women, men liking men, love is love (as long as it's not incest, that's fricken nasty) and I wholly accept that. But I hate the "gay" stereotype. I really do.
On a lighter note.
I think my Asian tongue is starting to protrude. There are a series of words that have been bothering me lately that I just randomly say wrong. Today I was talking and I asked what TV show that was on TV. Which was Myth Busters, but for a whole five minutes I kept saying "miss buster" and I just could not pronounce the damn TH. Even my little brother was like what the heck, "you talk all white and then fob out of no where".
And then today, I had to go to the bathroom soooo bad, and some man asked what this thing on this table was and I told him " it's three card BONER" when it was a "three card BONUS" oh gosh, I said that and I was all kinds of embarrassed. haha.
Frankmusik.
He is cute. and I love his music. (talk about not looking at guys all the time, but hey, I've only mentioned guys I like maybe five times in the two years I've ever had this blog.)
Did I mention he is cute? (It's rare a guy strikes me like this, especially a celebrity. I don't like celebrities)
3 Little Words. Frankmusik
Well today, (or should I say yesterday, I just got off work) the universe decided to unleash something on me and decided to make my family and coworkers gang up on me with the whole relationship issue. I don't know how the whole conversation came about, but it sure left me feeling quite harassed and made me think of a lot of things. It bothered me a little. Got to my insecurities for a spell.
Well this is how it started with my parents:
Some family friend from San Diego added my Dad on Facebook (yes he has an account) and then the son of the friend added him too. Well my Dad went on digging into his pictures and found that he had a lot of girl friends that were all over him in his pictures, and his wall comments are all these hoochie looking girls calling him "boo". My dad started commenting how he's got it going on and then some how it got out that my brother has a girlfriend. And then the conversation went to me asking me why I haven't had a girlfriend yet. And then he started criticizing how I'm not manly enough and that I don't have what it takes and what not which made me all kinds of mad. My mom just had to put her two cents in and start asking if Leah was my girlfriend which made me all more upset. My parents kind of have a hint on my liking for men. I keep things really ambiguous around the house and they really don't know what to think. They've never seen me gawk at anyone. They've never heard me say things about girls or guys alike and back then they got really upset because they assumed that this really close guy friend was my boyfriend. So they really don't know. I act really evasive on the issue too just because I hate the kind of questions they ask when they get even a hint of what is going on in my life.
And then at work, We started talking about age and crap. It so happens, everyone thought I was like 26. You have to understand that at work, I'm not the same person. I speak clearly with everyone, I'm concise and I am very choosy with my words. I don't blurt out anything like I usually do and I don't laugh at the jokes that they find funny, because well, they aren't funny to me at all.
So when I finally told them how I old I really was they were in shock. They couldn't believe that a 21 year old could speak so maturely and can actually perform professionally at work. Their words, not mine.
They asked if I have a girlfriend, and I said no. Then they nudged me and whispered, "how about a boyfriend" and when I said no, they said they knew someone and that made me feel a little upset. I don't know why. But I felt a little offended even if their intentions weren't to offend me. I always get a little offended when some random person is like " oh, are you gay? Do you have a boyfriend? I know someone!".
So with that being said, they asked why I don't have a significant other. As much as I kept telling them that I am not looking to be in a relationship, they started telling me how I need it to be like this and that. And all that was going through my mind was fuck, shut up.
I really don't like it when people tell me how I am supposed to be. And that I can't achieve certain things because of how the way I am. I've been through that too much growing up with my family and that's where a lot of my insecurities come from. I've been compared to someone all my life. But now, I really feeling like I have something to show for. Honestly, I'm really very proud of myself and where I am today. I have a few best friends that I picked out on my own judgment who like me just the way I am and all I had to do is be myself around them.
I mean, I'm grateful to my parents, although, I'd like to say that I got through all of this all on my own. Never once did I really tell my parents how I felt about this and that, they had to find my journals, my blogs, anything to know what is going on in my life and how I felt. But that just led to more troubles and comparisons.
There was one time where my parents sort of asked if I was homosexual. I told them no.
I don't know if I should have said yes or not. It's still kind of a secret. Well not really, like I said before, it's an ambiguous issue between me and them.
I am not exactly in the closet. Because I admit I like men to anyone who asks. But to be honest, up until recently I wasn't too sure, and I honestly just let what ever happen, just happen. And I was just letting it happen without concern with a label or not. I honestly don't even like the word "gay" or even being called that. I hate the stigma that comes with it. All the bad jokes, all the stereotypes, opinions, the bitchiness in it, all the bad things that come with the word are more of a burden to me and to be called "gay" some times.
When people say "gay", people start to fidget and do weird things and all hell of dumb stuff breaks loose.
There are reasons why I don't tell anyone my interest in any sex at all. Once the ice is broken, people start talking about guys, they start mentioning how cute that guy over there is and start obsessing. And then they start telling me their boyfriend stories and their sex stories and how they think this guy is soooo hot and they don't even notice them. And I hate hate hate it so much when they ask me what my opinion is on a guy that they like and expect me to remember their name for future reference.
Really now, what happened to our conversations about music, art and leisure? What happened to you? Where did your intellect go? All because you find out that I'm "gay".
They start to act like I don't give a fuck and that I'm raunchy, they can start saying things Like "pussy" and "cunt" and "cock" no. I am still civil.
I am not what you think I am.
I don't want to dress in drag.
I don't enjoy looking at guys all the damn time.
I'm not a horny fuck you think I am.
Men are NOT my life.
I am not a "bitch" and you cannot call me a "bitch".
You can't speak to me like you speak to your other "gay" friend, if I don't know you, you can't degrade me like that.
I am not obsessed with any pop princesses.
I do not say Fabulous and think things are fabulous.
And please don't introduce me to a "gay" friend of yours. I couldn't give a flying fuck.
Some times I'd rather not pull out the "gay" word. Why can't we just leave it to where I can say that I like guys? Plain and simple.
I would like to be treated how I treat other people. As offensive as racial stereotypes can be, it gets humorous because it's generally true, and people do it in plain sight. Accents, mannerisms, the way they think, it's all fun and games because the do it in public.
But sexuality stereotypes? It's not funny when someone jokes around and says " oh you like it up the butt" or "you'll like it because it goes up your butt". It really makes me mad.
Man this topic gets me mad. I feel like I can go on and on about this.
The whole concept of being gay ( I want to word it as homosexual) sexuality wise is great to me. I find nothing wrong with women liking women, men liking men, love is love (as long as it's not incest, that's fricken nasty) and I wholly accept that. But I hate the "gay" stereotype. I really do.
On a lighter note.
I think my Asian tongue is starting to protrude. There are a series of words that have been bothering me lately that I just randomly say wrong. Today I was talking and I asked what TV show that was on TV. Which was Myth Busters, but for a whole five minutes I kept saying "miss buster" and I just could not pronounce the damn TH. Even my little brother was like what the heck, "you talk all white and then fob out of no where".
And then today, I had to go to the bathroom soooo bad, and some man asked what this thing on this table was and I told him " it's three card BONER" when it was a "three card BONUS" oh gosh, I said that and I was all kinds of embarrassed. haha.
Frankmusik.
He is cute. and I love his music. (talk about not looking at guys all the time, but hey, I've only mentioned guys I like maybe five times in the two years I've ever had this blog.)
Did I mention he is cute? (It's rare a guy strikes me like this, especially a celebrity. I don't like celebrities)
3 Little Words. Frankmusik
Hey Masa!
I'm totally evasive on the issue of sexuality too, especially when people ask indirectly. I still think it's weird to ask which gender a person is attracted to, it's not built into our social scripts (but then we are left with an assumption of heterosexuality).
We are guys that like other guys. That's cool. I tried to explain the same idea about the term "gay" to Andrew and he just didn't get it. People like the term "gay", it simplifies for them, although it definitely doesn't do justice to the great diversity in our community. I'll be honest, I've fallen into some patterns just because some people expect "the gay" of the group to act a certain way.
Hehehe, you're Asian tongue sounds quirky and adorable Masa.
*hugs*
-SG
Good post. It's sad that people have to put everyone in a nice little box all the time. It guess it makes they're world nice and neat.
It can be really awkward when someone assumes you're heterosexual - and you think "fine, believe that." Then they say "you are straight, right?" And then they stare at you waiting for some kind of reaction.
Exactly, some people just do not understand it.
I notice a lot of gays have that attitude that "so what, I'm imperfect and I'm unique" attitude, and It really just irks me because because they tend to fit into the category of those kind of people that demand so much respect, but their actions are getting them no where.
By me being myself, I want to project that just because I'm gay, it doesn't govern what I do, what I like, and how I act.
I want to show people that I'm just like them. An ordinary person that likes pizza, feels like shit occasionally and has a good sense of right and wrong and strong morals.
I wish everyone in the world was bi-sexual if not gay or lesbian. I wish everyone just loved for the sake of love.
I'm such a dreamer I make myself want to throw up sometimes.
But yes. at least you guys understand.