Thursday, January 14, 2010
I’m going to admit, for a while there fucking 2009 felt like it was seeping in to 2010. My pessimism was getting the best of me and I was starting to say things like “fuck, is this year ever going to get better or what?”
Well today, I finally got to clean up my room. As pathetic as it sounds, the ending months of last year made it pretty hard for me to do that. I really think I was depressed. A different kind of depressed. The kind of depressed where you can’t really get anything done. The kind of depressed where you’re in denial and you think you’re happy, and you keep painting over the sadness just so you won’t break down and save face.
So cleaning up my room was a big feat for me. I can say that I’m quite proud of myself for doing it.
I’ve been getting closer to people and I am happy that I am. I’m setting down stepping stones for good future references, and I can honestly say that I am glad that I am actually in control of the people I can call friends. No crazy people that are bad influences on me , no people that take advantage of my kindness, and no psychos.
The new year is setting in. I can really feel it now. I’m letting important people in my life know how I feel about them, which really strengthens friendships, and I am also making future good friends that may just turn out to be second family. My second family.
I know I don’t feel like a million bucks all the time. In fact, feelings of being ugly, worthless and powerless still plague me often, but looking at things as a bigger picture make things a little better. I guess I’d rather feel this way than feel alone a lot of the time, and lately alone is not what I have been feeling.
At least in those times where I feel ugly, worthless and powerless, I feel this unconditional care from people, and I guess that’s what I needed this whole time.
I know it won’t last forever, not even long. And I know I probably sound childish and naive about this, but it’s something I really treasure. And It’s nice to think that no one, not even my own parents, can take this feeling away at this very moment.
I think I’m done smiling for tonight.
Well today, I finally got to clean up my room. As pathetic as it sounds, the ending months of last year made it pretty hard for me to do that. I really think I was depressed. A different kind of depressed. The kind of depressed where you can’t really get anything done. The kind of depressed where you’re in denial and you think you’re happy, and you keep painting over the sadness just so you won’t break down and save face.
So cleaning up my room was a big feat for me. I can say that I’m quite proud of myself for doing it.
I’ve been getting closer to people and I am happy that I am. I’m setting down stepping stones for good future references, and I can honestly say that I am glad that I am actually in control of the people I can call friends. No crazy people that are bad influences on me , no people that take advantage of my kindness, and no psychos.
The new year is setting in. I can really feel it now. I’m letting important people in my life know how I feel about them, which really strengthens friendships, and I am also making future good friends that may just turn out to be second family. My second family.
I know I don’t feel like a million bucks all the time. In fact, feelings of being ugly, worthless and powerless still plague me often, but looking at things as a bigger picture make things a little better. I guess I’d rather feel this way than feel alone a lot of the time, and lately alone is not what I have been feeling.
At least in those times where I feel ugly, worthless and powerless, I feel this unconditional care from people, and I guess that’s what I needed this whole time.
I know it won’t last forever, not even long. And I know I probably sound childish and naive about this, but it’s something I really treasure. And It’s nice to think that no one, not even my own parents, can take this feeling away at this very moment.
I think I’m done smiling for tonight.
I get that way with work sometimes - i guess it's depression, IDK. I find that I just can't bring myself to do something. Even if I have everything I need to get it done.
We all feel unattractive sometimes. You probably aren't able to see yourself the way you are (like most of us). Funny thing is - even the hot people have self confidence issues. So there's really no point in being pretty. We can never enjoy it.
Hope you feel better about things soon.
Yeah, I know we can't all feel pretty 24/7!
Depression, I can honestly say hurts. Some times I feel like I really should see a doc or something about it because we have a history of manic something in our family some where down the line. But I don't know. I got back up again so i don't want to see the doc just yet til it really starts affecting my life and money you know what i mean?
But thanks for the encouragement!
*hugs* The unconditional care from friends =)
I don't think you're clinically depressed. It's normal to be down after life drama.
It's normal to feel unattractive at times too. Arghh... you will not believe the acne spells I've been having... And those awkward moments in French class when no one wants to be my partner. *sigh* Thank goodness for the pork tortiere at the cafeteria.
Wishing you all the best in 2010. Hehehe, don't forget, we're all connected via the blogosphere too. It's kind of soo surreal to me when I think of how far apart we are but how connected we are at the same time.
*fist bump* Hehehe, you're awesome, you're Masa. =)