Sunday, April 18, 2010
I guess this blog has turned into a "gay" blog of mine. Representing my feelings as my new homosexual self. This is the only blog I can bitch and whine about things and get away with it.
Things have been a little boring for me. I don't know what I would call boring. I guess I'm bored at the moment but the week was pretty awesome.
I got my ears pierced on my birthday.
Had two guys email me because they had crushes on me.
And I had a lot of Indian food to my heart's content.
That and work has been pretty good. I actually like it for once.
I've discovered a weird insecurity lately. Actually two of them.
One of my insecurities is that I look young. Customers still ask if I'm 19 and old enough to work at the casino. I'm 22 now for god's sake and some of them have been going to the casino and seeing me since I was 19. It didn't hit me too much before, but now I'm really starting to see it. When I go to bars and clubs, I look so young. Everyone is so much older looking compared to me. And a lot of them are either younger than me or at the same age. Even the crowd I go with, whenever I go with them they look like they always have some high school-er tagging along. They look wayy older than me, and I think that's what stops me from ever getting at anyone on my own. Confession, I've never gone after a guy or asked a guy out. They've always asked me.
The other one is my masculinity.
I have always been at a battle with this one even before I knew I that I'm gay.
My dad has always pushed me to be this macho man who would like cars, work on cars and lift heavy things for women on call. He would tell me to do things like sit ups and learning how to do things just so I can impress the girls. I was hard headed, and I never did any of that. In fact I made my dad livid with how apathetic and stubborn I was to all of that. He used to get mad because I liked to dress nice, fix my hair and decorate my room with my drawings. He had always somewhat gotten irked that I always picked Chun-li in street fighter too.
So what does that leave me with today?
Well, I've always just been myself. As a California teen, I spoke with the accent teens usually have. I would say constant "Oh Muy Gawd" and I would say " like" almost every other word. You know, typical teenager talk. I still kinda talk like that in a sense. More mature, less "like"s and a lot more straight forward with my speech. But I guess that kind of speech pattern puts you off as pretty much having a near gay accent. I don't talk like a girl, but I don't talk like a guy either.
My mannerisms can be girly depending on how you look at it, i personally think I'm just worried about my hair and getting dirty all the time.
Some times when I approach people, I kind of put up an act. A polite neutral act. A nice customer service smile and a nice customer service speech pattern. I don't know what it is, but it automatically turns on when talking to anyone I don't know.
I try to keep my speech patterns in check so that way I don't sound too gay or anything.
I recently find myself asking people if I'm girly, or if some thing I buy looks too gay on me.
It makes me mad because before I didn't really care about this kind of stuff. I didn't care if there was a butch or femme thing. Now I'm worrying about me being too femme. Whenever I come up to cute guys I worry about what I'm going to say or how I'm going to say it. When I go on dates, I kind of don't talk too much so I can be a little more straight acting. What the hell am I getting into? This isn't me!
But that is a battle I'm going through right now. I want to shake this insecurity off. I don't like trying to be butch just so guys would like me.
It's like trying to turn cornbread into a birthday cake. You can put as much icing on it, it's still cornbread.
But that's all that's been bothering me lately.
I'm talking to a guy right now. He's really masculine. I think this will be the most masculine guy I will ever get involved with. He isn't too much into fashion, he loves football, he loves to be active, he smokes cigars and he grunts like a man. I'm kinda into it. But it kinda makes me wonder if This is what I really want because he seems like he's hiding his gayness or something.
He says he's into me by the way I tell him stuff but who knows.
We'll see how things go. wish me luck! I have a date on sunday.
Things have been a little boring for me. I don't know what I would call boring. I guess I'm bored at the moment but the week was pretty awesome.
I got my ears pierced on my birthday.
Had two guys email me because they had crushes on me.
And I had a lot of Indian food to my heart's content.
That and work has been pretty good. I actually like it for once.
I've discovered a weird insecurity lately. Actually two of them.
One of my insecurities is that I look young. Customers still ask if I'm 19 and old enough to work at the casino. I'm 22 now for god's sake and some of them have been going to the casino and seeing me since I was 19. It didn't hit me too much before, but now I'm really starting to see it. When I go to bars and clubs, I look so young. Everyone is so much older looking compared to me. And a lot of them are either younger than me or at the same age. Even the crowd I go with, whenever I go with them they look like they always have some high school-er tagging along. They look wayy older than me, and I think that's what stops me from ever getting at anyone on my own. Confession, I've never gone after a guy or asked a guy out. They've always asked me.
The other one is my masculinity.
I have always been at a battle with this one even before I knew I that I'm gay.
My dad has always pushed me to be this macho man who would like cars, work on cars and lift heavy things for women on call. He would tell me to do things like sit ups and learning how to do things just so I can impress the girls. I was hard headed, and I never did any of that. In fact I made my dad livid with how apathetic and stubborn I was to all of that. He used to get mad because I liked to dress nice, fix my hair and decorate my room with my drawings. He had always somewhat gotten irked that I always picked Chun-li in street fighter too.
So what does that leave me with today?
Well, I've always just been myself. As a California teen, I spoke with the accent teens usually have. I would say constant "Oh Muy Gawd" and I would say " like" almost every other word. You know, typical teenager talk. I still kinda talk like that in a sense. More mature, less "like"s and a lot more straight forward with my speech. But I guess that kind of speech pattern puts you off as pretty much having a near gay accent. I don't talk like a girl, but I don't talk like a guy either.
My mannerisms can be girly depending on how you look at it, i personally think I'm just worried about my hair and getting dirty all the time.
Some times when I approach people, I kind of put up an act. A polite neutral act. A nice customer service smile and a nice customer service speech pattern. I don't know what it is, but it automatically turns on when talking to anyone I don't know.
I try to keep my speech patterns in check so that way I don't sound too gay or anything.
I recently find myself asking people if I'm girly, or if some thing I buy looks too gay on me.
It makes me mad because before I didn't really care about this kind of stuff. I didn't care if there was a butch or femme thing. Now I'm worrying about me being too femme. Whenever I come up to cute guys I worry about what I'm going to say or how I'm going to say it. When I go on dates, I kind of don't talk too much so I can be a little more straight acting. What the hell am I getting into? This isn't me!
But that is a battle I'm going through right now. I want to shake this insecurity off. I don't like trying to be butch just so guys would like me.
It's like trying to turn cornbread into a birthday cake. You can put as much icing on it, it's still cornbread.
But that's all that's been bothering me lately.
I'm talking to a guy right now. He's really masculine. I think this will be the most masculine guy I will ever get involved with. He isn't too much into fashion, he loves football, he loves to be active, he smokes cigars and he grunts like a man. I'm kinda into it. But it kinda makes me wonder if This is what I really want because he seems like he's hiding his gayness or something.
He says he's into me by the way I tell him stuff but who knows.
We'll see how things go. wish me luck! I have a date on sunday.
Hey Masa -
I understand that you may need to have a "customer service" voice that you use at work. So maybe you use that in your personal life from time to time - it doesn't mean your hiding or trying to be something you're not.
As far as the new guy (congrats - btw), he's probably actually masculine. There are a lot of really masculine gay guys. Our sexuality is one part of us - and our mannerisms are something entirely different. Yes - there's probably a correlation between femininity and homosexuality in males. But I know a bunch of really masculine gay guys that you would never know are gay if you met them on the street. And they're out and proud and not hiding anything. There's all kinds of us out there.
Enjoy the date!
-nl
He is quite masculine. You would never know that this guy was gay. Which is kind of weird how he was going for me. I'm pretty quirky and out there. Not really your masculine type. But you never know what people like right?
it's just crazy, I had a lot of weird thoughts lately. The whole masculinity is just a weird insecurity phase I'm going through. I think the struggle to be what I desire is what's been troubling me. I want a man. And return I guess a man would want a man.
But I guess It's better to just go with who you are, and have the people that like you for it rather than putting up a front. Because eventually, there won't be anything left but yourself in the long run.
And thank you, I hope the date goes well.
This guy put it out straight " No sex on the first date please, I'd like to get to know you better".
Those are the lines I long to hear on first dates. Unless of course, we click THAT well.
Thanks again!
i kinda realise how the whole "masculinity" makes one become a.. urm.. "clone"?
everyone's goin for that butch feel and the deep male voice.. but to me, its the mannerism of a guy that truly shines.
and NewLeaf really does provide a good example of the diversity of the types of gays.
i sound like a "customer service" voice btw (>.<) but not to a point of being femme.
"I don't like trying to be butch just so guys would like me" - its brilliant you know that so u can just truly be yourself with people, and thats who they want to know.
ur new date sounds fantastically rugged and 'jock' like? (^.^)
wish u all the best Masa!
Men who love men are trying to be men in return, so they all try to be masculine. Some of us seem to think that really masculine men are the essence of being a man, but when you think of it, what does being a man mean?
I know I'm guilty of it. For a while, I guess I was scared of being "too gay" because of the harassment going on within my age group. But I soon learned that, to hell with it, they probably already know. So now I just do whatever I want.
Thanks for the luck, I don't know if he's a jock or what, i really haven't asked. I'll ask when we go on our date. Just so we have things to talk about.